Yan's Labyrinth

I had this intense feeling of love today. And I thought to myself how grateful I am for having my heart broken, being mistreated, being underestimated. I'm grateful because they have given me awareness... Something to compare to.... They have shown me the value of what it is to be loved, to be honoured, respected and knowing just how much I am capable of. I had this intense feeling... And I know that it is love. -Y. Salmon

You call me 'Queen' as if it's the most natural thing in the world... Surrounding me with your authentic self, brimming with passion, promise and more tomorrows. You call me Queen as if my skin is made of honey.. Tastes like sweet blueberry pie, wrapped up in the essence of rebirth and discovery... You call me Queen with such majesty. That my soul reverberates with this knowledge and tries to explode from my skin into its new existence... You call me Queen, with meaning and respect... You call me Queen and I believe it. Epitomising it with such Grace and dignity...my pride is not vain, just made proud... For the right reasons... You call me 'Your Queen' and that leaves me speechless with joy and recognition. Simply because your words are never meaningless or empty.... Your words are made concrete with the follow-through of action... You call me Queen and I answer. Simply because I am. -Y. Salmon

I am a conundrum sometimes. I get anxious mainly about things that I have no control over... And especially those things that I really want but innately I feel that I don't deserve. The thing is, I know I'm talented, unique, funny and kind hearted. But I am often so scared of owning it, because I think it's self centred and will eventually blow up in my face. I'm afraid of what the people closest to me will think. And I'm terrified it will affect them negatively... Causing a rift. Causing distance. I'm afraid that I will lose them... But I think that as a result of these fears I have lost myself in the process. And how can you place others before yourself and expect to be happy? True happiness comes from within... And if they truly love you.... For you. Then they will accept you. They will be happy to see you shine.... And if they don't... Then perhaps it's time to let go... So today, I will start owning my light. Forget about the opinions. Forge...

Things, situations, opportunities, circumstances, jobs, people will come and go... Some will impact you... Some will leave a bitter taste in your mouth, some will leave you with lessons... Memories...like puffs of smoke that linger in the recesses of your mind. Some will become a permanent fixture, never leaving...even if it appears they have. And some you will cherish forever...simply because of the impact they have had. At the end of the day however, you are left with just you. Surrounded by bits and pieces of varied experiences. But it's yourself that you are left with...just you....and nothing else. So remember that while it's nice to appreciate all these different things that have contributed to who you are... Never forget the importance of 'you'. Love yourself so much, that no one or no 'thing' can cause you to lose the value of yourself... The value of 'you'. You're not expected to have all the answers. You're not expected to be perf...

I remember the first time I was to see you again, how I primped and prepped myself into a nervous wreak.... And you... You were cool as a summer's breeze, greeting me with that familiar gaze... Filled with promises of heated nights, raucous mornings and delicious afternoons... I remember thinking... Feeling... that those glances were meant only for me... And that you... Missed ' thi s '.... That you wanted ' this ' again... Now, a year later, we're meeting up... again. You said you " missed my face ".... and that we needed to catch up... See how life was treating us... You greeted me with that gaze, and that self assured smile... And me?.... I am warm and congenial... And you seem a bit surprised. You tell me about your new lady and how magnificent it all it is.... How glad you are to be humble and well deserving of all of this... I smile and say I'm happy that life has been so kind. Your gaze is now realizing that my eyes a...

It's not often that we meet someone who connects with our soul, sees the beauty of our mind and inspires courage with our hearts... But when you do, it is unmistakable in its uniqueness and truth. You've taught me so much and yet I still see us growing and evolving into something even more tremendous. There were moments that I caught myself questioning if you were real. If you truly existed... For me. And now.... Now I know. And I am ever so grateful... -Y. Salmon

I told her to come to me and she did. Bare and naked without any veils of false promises or deceit. She opened her arms to me and embraced my weary head... Rested it against her bosom... Telling me to hush... Hush Chile.... Hush... You with sad eyes and dark thoughts.... You with the soft lips that curve too easily with a smile... You with the words all wrapped up in your head... Itching to come out on your paper through your pen... You with the heart you know not that you wear on your sleeve... Hush. And rest... Put that busy mind to sleep... Let your temples relax as you breathe me in and out... Let me fill your senses with relief as I help you to escape.... Know that you are beautiful when all you see is ugliness. Know that you are brilliant when you are feeling less than Einstein.... Know that your flaws are the most alluring when you are open to showing them... Hush and rest upon this bosom built for your tears... Let them flow and fill me with your sorrows, your fears a...

There is a need... A necessity... To scream and let out all this that lies within me. Fighting, clawing, scrambling... To just get out. This absolute desperation for freedom and non restrictions that hold me tied to the floors and walls of this box that they wish to confine me in. I am feeling so clamped in. So binded by these chains of absolution. Knawing at my skin, my bones, my mind.... -Y. Salmon (written March 17, 2014)

It was a rough day today... We had words... And then none. My heart... My self doubt... Knowing that you... Can and will say... Knowing that you can close your eyes and watch me walk away. You're surrounded by beauty amidst the pain.... And I know they can take away my memory in the blink of an eye... You bury your nostrils in their skin, between their thighs.... You can kiss them and touch them and make their chest rise.... Heave with heavy breathing... Exhausted from cumming.... She has eyes like the dessert, skin supple and soft, a body that sways as if to command the wind... And then there is me, on my best day I can only hope to not get struck down by the whispers of my inner hauntings... And then I am trapped... Reduced... Dismissed. You can make her smile from the curve of her lashes to the core of her womanhood and she relishes it.... For she is what is beautiful to you... And I sit here and wait, for her to give in.. And I sit and wait for you to say, I don't...

I'm sitting here gazing out into a world of possibility and purpose and I chide myself for being a coward sometimes.  I get mad at myself for doubting as much as I do, for hesitating and finding excuses. I look back and remember when I was a fearless dreamer, blatant in my belief, obnoxious in my certainty.... And I wonder.... Where did she go? Where did that girl go? Was she killed off by cynicism? Knocked down by reality.... Captured by adulthood? Defeated by life?... I shake my head, for it is better than hanging it in shame. I steady myself for the mourning of my past self.... And I think... Am I but a shell of my former self? Void of truth and inspiration?  Am I so empty a vessel that my noise is nothing but a deafening yet unnoticeable silence?... These are my fears that nip at my confidence, that drown my rising strength. These are the fears I hold on to, to feed my pity party and excuse myself from wanting... From dreaming... From doing. These are ...

I feel a change coming... In what form, I'm not sure. The streets look different, my path more vivid...Intense. I feel a change coming... So real and sure that it shakes my bones.... I feel a change coming... All the way to my core... And I wait. Anxiously. - Y.Salmon

There is a place, I imagine, where reality is rivaled by the brilliance of imagination. Where birth is given to whimsy & fairytales that unravel in beautiful splendour... I imagine there is such a place, as I have lived there for so long.... -Y. Salmon

I wish sometimes I could peel away my scars like scabs. Or shed them like old skin... Watch them fall away and evaporate into dust, Leaving no traces of their prior existence. I wish my scars weren't so deeply embedded, That they would stop choosing when to appear 'healed' and when to resurface... Causing more damage, than good. Bringing it's past injuries and burdens and slights into the present,  Tainting the beauty and possibilities of a present situation. I wish I were constantly able to wear the strength of my scars... Because despite how much they haunt us, They have such resilience and longevity... Bravado... .... And guts... Constantly reminding us that they aren't going anywhere. Constantly showing us that they, these scars are apart of us.... Apart of our package, Apart of our spirit, Our demeanour... Our past, present and future... And that ultimately, if we have any intentions of Truly living, Truly loving, Truly 'Be'-ing... ...

There is this sense of dread that comes with happiness sometimes that I will never truly understand. I suspect it's there to keep you grounded. Rooted in reality... Emphasize the validity of these pockets... Periods of happiness. It creates a much needed balance that demands attention... Keeps you aware. Maybe this feeling... 'Dread', Is really just emotional gravity, pulling us closer to the ground... So that we don't float away into oblivion. Perhaps it's really just a combination of feelings and logic trying to save us from ourselves... Trying to make us a better version of ourselves.... -Y. Salmon *Image courtesy of Instagram

It's a new year and my aspirations are different. My wants have changed and my needs are more prominent. I find myself travelling in my mind in a way I never did before. I'm searching and this time I know what I am looking for. My fears are no longer the same and my dreams are yearning, yelling, revolting.... To become a reality. My patience has dwindled and has made me more determined, more focused, more certain. I have no desire to be mediocre anymore. I have no excuses left to tell myself. Instead I have reality. I have realization. I have drive. So as I am standing here, at my bus terminal, waiting to board the vehicle that will take me to my destination of circumstance. My 9 to 5... I ready myself for my inevitable journey of accomplishment. Knowing I must travel this road in faith and determination. Confidence and strength. Knowing self belief is most essential... I ready myself. For my voyage, to fly. -Y. Salmon *Image courtesy of @purposeofenvy via instag...

Heh. My apology to my journal.... Sigh. So much has happened in a short period of time. So much of it good, some not so good. But at the end of the day, I remind myself that I am blessed with so much. And I am grateful. Take the time to reflect on what makes your life meaningful. Makes your life an inspiring journey. Your journey. And build from that. Always build, because your life is worth at least that. Dear Journal.... I haven't touched you in awhile. I've been neglectful.... And I am sorry... Caught up in my own B.S.... No, My own world.. Forgetting the importance of you. So how have you been? How has life been treating you? Tell me all about it, I'm at your full disposal. Let me massage your ridges... Smooth your pages... Familiarize myself with your former content. Let me take the time to caress your memories and divulge new secrets. I'm sorry I've been away for awhile, But, honestly, I've been good... I haven't forgotten...

The other day I received a message and it got me thinking.... Sigh. And at times, thinking can be my greatest nemesis... However, in this situation I came to a definite realization that I was able to conceive and openly communicate. It is essential to be honest to have self-actualization. We have to be able to be honest with our own happiness in order for others to respect it.... And thus creating a mutual sense of closure, new beginnings and appreciation... And so this entry was inspired. I'm sorry I forgot you... That was not my intent. I envisioned you with laughter, smiles and love surrounding you. I thought you had moved on.... Forgotten me. But I wasn't angry, I wasn't hurt. I was just happy... Thinking you were happy... Surrounded by her warmth, her embrace, her love. Was I wrong? Was it not like that for awhile? Did she not complete you? Make you feel whole? I'm sorry I forgot you.... That was not my intent... You have always been in my though...

Have you ever seen a neck so beautiful and lips so tantalizing, that they seem to be yearning for a kiss... A touch... An experience?... Those are my favourites.

I saw you today, And you were a angry. Your brow was furrowed, And your eyes were a tumultuous sea of emotions and frustrations. You said you searched for me, But I could not be found. I told you I was where I have always been... Here... Waiting for you... -Y. Salmon *Original image courtesy of @tattooloversshop! Check them out on instagram.