Yan's Labyrinth

I'm sitting here gazing out into a world of possibility and purpose and I chide myself for being a coward sometimes.  I get mad at myself for doubting as much as I do, for hesitating and finding excuses. I look back and remember when I was a fearless dreamer, blatant in my belief, obnoxious in my certainty.... And I wonder.... Where did she go? Where did that girl go? Was she killed off by cynicism? Knocked down by reality.... Captured by adulthood? Defeated by life?... I shake my head, for it is better than hanging it in shame. I steady myself for the mourning of my past self.... And I think... Am I but a shell of my former self? Void of truth and inspiration?  Am I so empty a vessel that my noise is nothing but a deafening yet unnoticeable silence?... These are my fears that nip at my confidence, that drown my rising strength. These are the fears I hold on to, to feed my pity party and excuse myself from wanting... From dreaming... From doing. These are ...

I wish sometimes I could peel away my scars like scabs. Or shed them like old skin... Watch them fall away and evaporate into dust, Leaving no traces of their prior existence. I wish my scars weren't so deeply embedded, That they would stop choosing when to appear 'healed' and when to resurface... Causing more damage, than good. Bringing it's past injuries and burdens and slights into the present,  Tainting the beauty and possibilities of a present situation. I wish I were constantly able to wear the strength of my scars... Because despite how much they haunt us, They have such resilience and longevity... Bravado... .... And guts... Constantly reminding us that they aren't going anywhere. Constantly showing us that they, these scars are apart of us.... Apart of our package, Apart of our spirit, Our demeanour... Our past, present and future... And that ultimately, if we have any intentions of Truly living, Truly loving, Truly 'Be'-ing... ...

It's a new year and my aspirations are different. My wants have changed and my needs are more prominent. I find myself travelling in my mind in a way I never did before. I'm searching and this time I know what I am looking for. My fears are no longer the same and my dreams are yearning, yelling, revolting.... To become a reality. My patience has dwindled and has made me more determined, more focused, more certain. I have no desire to be mediocre anymore. I have no excuses left to tell myself. Instead I have reality. I have realization. I have drive. So as I am standing here, at my bus terminal, waiting to board the vehicle that will take me to my destination of circumstance. My 9 to 5... I ready myself for my inevitable journey of accomplishment. Knowing I must travel this road in faith and determination. Confidence and strength. Knowing self belief is most essential... I ready myself. For my voyage, to fly. -Y. Salmon *Image courtesy of @purposeofenvy via instag...