#MyLifeAsAHuman - Entry# 984 - My Symphony

I'm sitting here gazing out into a world of possibility and purpose and I chide myself for being a coward sometimes. 

I get mad at myself for doubting as much as I do, for hesitating and finding excuses.

I look back and remember when I was a fearless dreamer, blatant in my belief, obnoxious in my certainty....
And I wonder.... Where did she go? Where did that girl go? Was she killed off by cynicism? Knocked down by reality.... Captured by adulthood? Defeated by life?...

I shake my head, for it is better than hanging it in shame. I steady myself for the mourning of my past self.... And I think... Am I but a shell of my former self? Void of truth and inspiration? 

Am I so empty a vessel that my noise is nothing but a deafening yet unnoticeable silence?...

These are my fears that nip at my confidence, that drown my rising strength.
These are the fears I hold on to, to feed my pity party and excuse myself from wanting... From dreaming... From doing.

These are the fears that I listen to a little less each time I am feeling beaten.... Because they are the crutch that bring me familiar self contempt.... 

And I remind myself; once this sea of self deprecation has washed over me and left me limp with daunting visions.... I remind myself that I am my saviour. 

That to believe in myself is to acknowledge my self worth. Is to love myself. To cherish myself. To value my entire being.

I remind myself, that, yes, I was a dreamer with stubborn determination and life has taught me lessons that at first left me winded... Cynical.

But now that I am able to look outside of myself, to forgive myself, to appreciate myself... 

I find that I am grateful for who I am right now. 

I am grateful for all those lessons bestowed upon me that have created this spirit within me.

I am a different person now. 

Unrecognizable at first, appearing broken and ripped.... Worn and bruised... Strong and graceful... Imperfectly whole... 

Still growing and flourishing, still being created.

I am myself...

And although I am not as pure or untouched.
Although my petals are no longer as supple and smooth....
I am now perfectly crinkled and folded. Bended but not broke....

Able to withstand the most ferocious winds and hold my face towards the sky in the most tumultuous rainfalls.

I am a better version of me, that has lived and continues to live.
Collecting spiritual stamps and road maps and folds and creases... 

That combine themselves into a beautiful mess of harmony, that I have deemed as my very own, self created, soul-built symphony...

-Y. Salmon