Yan's Labyrinth

I'm sitting here gazing out into a world of possibility and purpose and I chide myself for being a coward sometimes.  I get mad at myself for doubting as much as I do, for hesitating and finding excuses. I look back and remember when I was a fearless dreamer, blatant in my belief, obnoxious in my certainty.... And I wonder.... Where did she go? Where did that girl go? Was she killed off by cynicism? Knocked down by reality.... Captured by adulthood? Defeated by life?... I shake my head, for it is better than hanging it in shame. I steady myself for the mourning of my past self.... And I think... Am I but a shell of my former self? Void of truth and inspiration?  Am I so empty a vessel that my noise is nothing but a deafening yet unnoticeable silence?... These are my fears that nip at my confidence, that drown my rising strength. These are the fears I hold on to, to feed my pity party and excuse myself from wanting... From dreaming... From doing. These are ...

You bare scars, because you have been broken. They form ridges and curves and lines upon your soul... Your heart... And your mind. Creating a disfigured masterpiece so unique and individual, that its beauty is almost blinding... Captivating in its pain, Mesmerizing in it s resilience. You are beauty, because you bare scars, Fitted and molded to your creation... Imperfections and tear stains collide in gracious harmony...   So tranquil and serene, you could, just possibly, go deaf... You are life... as you possess bravery so reckless and demanding that it is enviable. You grab at these challenges as if they are gifts and embrace them within your very being as if to attempt to make them physically apart of you... Like a limb, made of mistakes or a child bore of defiance. You are love, ... Because you are in existence. So pure and rare. That at times I feel my heart may stop from being in your mere presence. So radiant and unfamiliar, in all of it's comfort......

This weekend I took some much needed time for myself. It's been a pretty hectic year and sometimes we get so caught up in our day to day life that we forget how important it is to take a breathe-er. To get clarity and perspective. To regenerate your soul. And thank God I did, because this morning, I woke up in a funk. I couldn't quite put my finger on the reason why, but my trusty phone sent me a reminder. It reminded me that this Friday, Nov. 8th would be the anniversary of my Grandma's passing... And thus my thoughts and feelings were brought to light. Her name was Alice. And she was a wonderful gift. May she know how much she was loved and how much she is missed. Ode to Alice There are moments, days, that I think of you and your smile. Your words. Your elegance, and I feel this pit in my stomach. This ache in my chest. This awareness.... This feeling... You're not here anymore. And I miss you. I realise that I miss you. And for those moments, those days, I...